The beginning how it all started

So I started this blog wanting to explore being me my own identity again. I realise that in order to do this I need to get back to basics and stop the dysfunctional behaviour including drinking excessively and eating. Hitch means I've had to get my thoughts and experience down in this blog about that before I even begin to explore the next phase.

So a bit about me. I was never a heavy drinker until 3yrs ago when it all began. In my twenties I occasionally drunk but could take it or leave it. I would go out with friends and they would drink heavily and I would have just a couple, I was what you would call a healthy drinker, had a healthy respect for it and never abused alcohol and certainly had no issue with just having one or two or none for that matter.

I always had a bad relationship with food, yo yo dieting and really emotional eating. And when I was 41 I had a gastric bypass which resulted in massive weight loss. For about a year I felt really great, everything was in control, eating and actually no drinking.

Then I began drinking just socially on occasion...3 yrs later I was consuming at least a bottle of wine a night, often more and some nights would drink anything and everything. I went from having an eating disorder to a drinking disorder. Over the past 3 yrs I've made a fool of myself with slurred speech, wobbling and embarrassing people around me. Most disappointing of all has been the embarrassment and disappointment I've caused my most dearest partner and my son...they are my world. I can't fix what I've done but I am now taking control and making a positive change to my life.

So I am slightly missing the drink but the thing that I want to get to the bottom of is to once and for all finally understand WHY I do this and why I have this behaviour. I don't mind if I never drink again I just need to understand it inorder to control it.

I don't have any answers at this point but I do know this. I know that at the moment I don't trust myself to have just one drink, who knows what this case will be in one or two years down the track but def no drinking at the moment. And it feels great,

I do feel like I'm rediscovering me, I've started to see the old me coming back and I live it. I feel very calm about everything I'm doing. I've been a bit grumpy but generally I feel good.

I am writing this blog really just to get my thoughts down because I hate writing much easier to type.