The beginning how it all started

So I started this blog wanting to explore being me my own identity again. I realise that in order to do this I need to get back to basics and stop the dysfunctional behaviour including drinking excessively and eating. Hitch means I've had to get my thoughts and experience down in this blog about that before I even begin to explore the next phase.

So a bit about me. I was never a heavy drinker until 3yrs ago when it all began. In my twenties I occasionally drunk but could take it or leave it. I would go out with friends and they would drink heavily and I would have just a couple, I was what you would call a healthy drinker, had a healthy respect for it and never abused alcohol and certainly had no issue with just having one or two or none for that matter.

I always had a bad relationship with food, yo yo dieting and really emotional eating. And when I was 41 I had a gastric bypass which resulted in massive weight loss. For about a year I felt really great, everything was in control, eating and actually no drinking.

Then I began drinking just socially on occasion...3 yrs later I was consuming at least a bottle of wine a night, often more and some nights would drink anything and everything. I went from having an eating disorder to a drinking disorder. Over the past 3 yrs I've made a fool of myself with slurred speech, wobbling and embarrassing people around me. Most disappointing of all has been the embarrassment and disappointment I've caused my most dearest partner and my son...they are my world. I can't fix what I've done but I am now taking control and making a positive change to my life.

So I am slightly missing the drink but the thing that I want to get to the bottom of is to once and for all finally understand WHY I do this and why I have this behaviour. I don't mind if I never drink again I just need to understand it inorder to control it.

I don't have any answers at this point but I do know this. I know that at the moment I don't trust myself to have just one drink, who knows what this case will be in one or two years down the track but def no drinking at the moment. And it feels great,

I do feel like I'm rediscovering me, I've started to see the old me coming back and I live it. I feel very calm about everything I'm doing. I've been a bit grumpy but generally I feel good.

I am writing this blog really just to get my thoughts down because I hate writing much easier to type.

Success

Well I spent 3 days away on my own which I have to admit I was a little nervous about. I often drink when I'm alone and bored so the natural thing for me would be to have a couple of wines. I'm pleased to say that I've eaten out both nights at lovely restaurants and have resisted drinking. Had a green tea 1st night and lime and soda tonight. Tonight was more tempting but when I say that it wasn't a huge temptation it was more an awareness of being handed a beverage list which was 95% wine/beer and 5% non-alcoholic....but I simply breezed past the booze and went straight to the back pages. I wondered if the waiting staff thought it strange not drinking. The food was amazing and I enjoyed my meal, came home to 3 cups of tea - hoorah!

Hiding from feeling

Wow just been listening to a radio show about eating and drinking disorders. Many people in recovery struggle with both alcohol AND food disorders. This issue is so common you often hear food addiction referred to as a "sister" addiction to alcoholism. The interview was really interesting and touched on something for me around eating or drinking to blanket feelings of loneliness. I think I have been doing this for a long time, I feel lonely. And it's ok to feel lonely and to just sit with it, it will pass in time. Awesome, love it. I have a long way to go but I'm really enjoying focusing on the learning and exploring new ways of thinking, the me that has been hidden behind things in the past. 

Pushing through

I've discovered that if I can get through 'happy hour' resisting a drink I can then settle in for the evening and not think twice. It's the time between 4pm and 6pm that's the hardest, it's the time when I would pour a wine and gulp it down. I thought to myself tonight that I would love a glass of wine and then thought out loud, i wouldn't like a glass of wine I would like a bottle, and there in lies the problem. 13 days in and I've been quite shitty and very up and down but generally speaking I'm coping ok. Yay!

Small steps

Day 12 of not drinking and I feel great. Enjoying better sleep and sharper mind. I've enrolled to a community course on Mindfulness where they introduce you to mediation and other tools to help focus the mind and ultimately relax. This is what my drinking did so I need to find alternative ways if relaxing.

So I've started reading again too which is really good, I had stopped reading because I got to bed at night and would be so trashed I'd crash.

So small steps but they're making huge change.

“The greatness of a man is not in how much wealth he acquires, but in his integrity and his ability to affect those around him positively” 

― Bob Marley

The beginning

So I'm not sure who if anyone will read this but I hope to get some form of therapy for me as I explore new ways of life, relaxation and general well being.

I don't think I'm alone when I say "I've forgotten who 'me' is. What I mean is I have lost myself amongst the son, school, teenager, partner, housework, dinners ... just life..but it's been so busy and I've been so focused one everything and everyone else that I have neglected myself. I've forgotten to nurture myself and my needs.

I used to be passionate about things that were just mine but now I'm passionate about others, and it's not to say that's a bad thing, I feel tremendous amounts of satisfaction in caring and nurturing others but it shouldn't have been at the coat of mine.

So my mission is to explore who I am. What I like. What I need. Where I belong. What makes me 'tick'. I want to discover new hobbies, new ways that I can enjoy my spare time, new ways to relax and recharge. New ways to nurture Me.

So one day at a time I will do it.

Rediscovering Me